Self-Employment
What I Keep Not Writing
Seven stories in the document. The sentence above them still blank. I think I finally understand why.
After the Third Note
I sent the third Marcus email yesterday afternoon. Seventy-two words. I counted them after I hit send.
What Counts Now
I sat down to build the month-two target I said I needed. The metrics I kept reaching for were not mine.
Month Two Has No Shape Yet
Month one had two anchors. Month two has a blank calendar, a contact log with four entries, and a framework I forgot to build.
I Wanted This Date to Mean Something
The fear post is up. The first month is done. Thirty days in and nothing is resolved, which turns out to be its own kind of information.
Reading It Like Someone Who Wasn't There
I wrote three paragraphs yesterday for the stranger's sister. This morning I tried to read them as someone who hadn't lived the last four weeks.
The Post I Promised the Stranger's Sister
Four weeks in, two days until the end of month one, and I finally figured out who I'm writing the fear post for.
When Avoidance Looks Like Caution
I had the referral name for more than two weeks. I told myself I was being careful. Friday morning I figured out the difference.
After the Checkpoint
October 14 had been on my calendar since May. Yesterday it came and went. Today is just Thursday.
What I Left Myself
Today is October 14. I opened the reminder I set months ago and found six sentences from a version of me who was afraid of a different thing.
What I'd Tell Her Sister
A stranger asked if I'd written about the fear of the first month. I'm twenty-four days in and I still can't write it. But I'm going to try anyway.
What Not Chasing Actually Looks Like
I sent the Marcus follow-up at 8:12 this morning. Four sentences. Seven minutes. I cannot tell yet if that was the right call or the comfortable one.
What Sunday Is For Now
I used to spend Sunday making Monday manageable. Tomorrow I follow up with Marcus. The stakes are real. Nobody is tracking but me.
The Habit I Forgot to Resign From
I checked my phone twice at my son's lacrosse game this morning. Marcus is a Monday follow-up and I know that. The habit doesn't.
What a Friday Feels Like Now
I woke up and had to think about what day it was. Two seconds. But it happened, which tells me something about what I've been living inside.
The Note I Already Wrote
Four attempts at the October 14 reminder and what finally came out instead: the word blog, and then stopping to look at it.
The Reminder I Still Haven't Written
Seven days until the October 14 reminder fires, and I still don't know what to say to myself when it does.
After the Send
The Marcus email is out. Four entries in the contact log. One blank field where the follow-up date should be. Eight days to the reminder I still haven't written.
The Morning I Finally Sent It
Three days of failed drafts, and this morning I finally sent it. I had been introducing myself to the wrong version of the conversation.
The Email I Keep Starting
I know how to write a cold outreach email. The problem is I always had a company name to stand behind. Now I have to figure out how to start without that.
What I Would Have Told the Vendor
I know exactly what I would have told the vendor to do. I'm learning that knowing the advice and being able to take it are different skills.
Twelve Days
The contact log has three entries. I've opened it four times today. Nothing has changed. That was always the point.
The First Entry in the Contact Log
The call is done. I have a Google Doc with three rows and a column that says 'follow-up date.'
The Part That Traveled
The call happened. Eighteen minutes. I was heard. I still don't know what that means yet.
What Monday Is For
The call is tomorrow. The prep is done. The space between them is all I have to work with today.
What I'm Listening For
The prep brief I have used for twenty-four years requires raw material I no longer have. I found a different format. I am not sure it solves the problem.
How I Used to Prepare
A call is coming this week. I have prepared for hundreds of calls. This one is different and I keep trying to pretend it isn't.
Twelve Minutes Each
The four emails I had been sitting on for days took about twelve minutes each to write. That is not what I expected to find.
Between Sending and Sunday
She sent the fourth email Friday evening. Now it's Saturday morning, inbox empty, Sunday a day away.
Too Much to Be Vague
She said she'd write the fourth email last night. She did. Three drafts, same opening, no ending that felt right.
The Last Name on the List
She said she'd look at the list last night. She did. One name remains before August 4, and she still doesn't know what she'll say on Sunday.
What the Calendar Doesn't Say
She moved August 4 to the calendar. What she didn't put in the entry was a name.
Three Silences
The third outreach email has done what it's going to do. Three sent, three silences. She moved August 4 from a note to the calendar.
Where the Noticing Goes
The third email is still unanswered and Monday is not over yet. She watched the pattern happen in a meeting this morning and is trying to figure out what that means.
What I'm Still Waiting to Know
The third email is two days old and a Sunday doesn't count for waiting. She opened the document instead and found the same two unfinished sentences.
What the Third Time Means
She sent the third outreach email at 1:07 on Thursday. Twenty minutes to write. She is still figuring out if that is progress.
Why I Picked Her First
The rule revision still held this morning. But changing a rule and knowing who goes first are two different problems.
What a Rule Is For
Fifteen days left in first-conversations month. I looked at the four remaining names this morning and thought about why I built the rule I built.
The August Meeting I Accepted
I have a biweekly one-on-one with my manager. Today he said he'd resend the August 11 invite. I said sure. I accepted it.
The Post I Finally Stopped Explaining
I said I'd write the practical post. This morning, I did. Writing something with no arc felt nothing like what I expected.
What I Found When I Ran My Own Health Insurance Math
COBRA quoted me $1,840 a month. The ACA marketplace came in around $1,100. Here is the math I wish someone had just written down.
What I Haven't Told Myself Yet
There's a question I ask clients in the renewal window that always works. I tried turning it on myself this morning. The answer was not what I expected.
What Sixty Days Actually Means
I named my entire consulting concept after a sixty-day window. Today is Day 60. I've been turning that over since morning coffee.
The Follow-Up I Kept Not Sending
I've sent hundreds of follow-up emails in twenty-four years. This one took three extra days I shouldn't have needed.
What the Waiting Does to the Work
The second outreach email has been sitting unanswered for nine days. I gave the clearest advice I've given in months this morning. I'm not sure those two things are unrelated.
The Document I Still Won't Name
I keep opening a document with no name. I added a sentence this morning. It's still three pages. I'm working up to admitting what it is.
What the Analytics Actually Told Me (After I Finally Stopped Skimming Them)
I've been checking the numbers the way I check email. Tonight I actually read them. What stopped me wasn't the total.
When You've Already Left in Your Head
I got CC'd on a renewal thread this morning. I noticed I didn't argue about it. That noticing led somewhere.
What Zoe Is Watching
She said she'd been reading the blog. Casually, on her way to bed, after two hours at the same table. I've been thinking about it since.
What the Wiki Taught Me
I wrote the wiki entry I promised. Forty minutes. And then I noticed what I kept doing in between paragraphs.
What I'm Taking With Me
There are things I built that belong to the company now. And things that have always been mine. I've been treating the second category as a liability.
What I Said Yes To
There was a planning cycle meeting this morning. I went. I contributed. Someone asked me to own a deliverable due in November. I said yes.
Where I Thought I'd Be by Now
Fifty days in, two conversations pending, one follow-up finally sent. The fog hasn't lifted. I'm navigating it differently.
What You Know the Second Time
The second outreach email took forty-five minutes. The first one took three weeks. Not because it mattered less.
Thirty Words
The email came this morning while I was making coffee. Five days of waiting and then thirty words that changed what this is.
What You Stop Explaining Away
I found out about a meeting I wasn't in. What surprised me was how I reacted to finding out.
The One I Sent First
I sent the email. Now there are three more names. I'm starting to understand why I sent the one I did.
What I Thought This Was For
I started this blog as a commitment device. Forty-two days in, I'm not sure that's still the whole answer.
What Belongs to the Badge
I watched a meeting room defer to me instead of someone smarter. I still cannot tell how much of my authority belongs to me.